Secret Admirer

A revisit to one of my most popular writings online. I love this one because this was written with total honesty. I was in love with a girl who didn’t know I existed. Today, she is married and living a happy life somewhere.

She came from heaven
Among us, apart
The time stood still
And she stole my heart

Her sheer presence
Does make me numb
To others I’m deaf
And stupid and dumb

She’s full of mystery
She’s conquered my mind
My days turn nights
It’s one of a kind

Those eyes, eluding
Killed me her smile
Her past and present
Is a questioned profile

Between us, grows
A thick black mist
To her, I’m nothing
I don’t exist

This feeling is natural
Insane but human
I’m just a boy
And she’s all woman

I’ll leave it at that
She’d never know me
My heart skips a beat
But she’ll never see

She’s from the elite
She’s obviously higher
But I’ll stay at my feet

To be, her secret admirer

Alone

Sometimes things just don’t seem right, and it’s hard to understand just what really would make you happy. Like there’s something significantly missing, but you either don’t know what it is, or, interestingly, who it is. I’ve been feeling this for quite some time now and the more I try to overcome it, the more deeper I feel it. Moreover for some reason, I just can’t seem to feel at “home” anymore. What I consider my own, doesn’t seem like my own anymore, and that’s the saddest feeling you can ever get. Why is life so difficult?

I only hear
The voices in my head
I’m deaf to the crowd
And I feel like I’m dead

I don’t belong
Is a feeling I get
I want to move on but
It’s impossible just yet

I’m miserable
Being on my own
I need you now
Don’t leave me alone

Words don’t come out
When I want to speak
To break the silence
It’s emotion I seek

But you’ve stayed put
You’ll come not near
And I hate to ask
“What’s wrong with you dear?”

I’m terrified
Being left out in the cold
I’m troubled
And I wish you’d hold
My hand, coz it’s trembling
My thoughts aren’t assembling

I need you right now
I need some un-jumbling

I wish you’d understand me
But it’s darkness you’ve shown
I’m nobody now

You’ve left me alone

That Night

The sky looked so beautiful that night
A thousand stars were the only light
Like holes in the floor of heaven above
And with enough reason, I was in love

On a black silk carpet, were diamond knots
The universe approves of polka dots
The moon was full and shiny bright
For some good reason, there was love that night

Happiness and peace is what night finds
And I reminisced of some good old times
When love had no condition
And life was simpler too
Today those old philosophies
Are perceived as something new

Yet the night was dark
A memory from the past
But the light made me forget
And be happy at last

That the gloomiest day, can give way
To the clearest night, so bright

That’s what I learnt, in a divine way
From the love there was that night

Darkness Wonder

It’s so much better with the lights turned out
Everything’s hidden and there’s nothing about
Thoughts get lost in the thick black dark
Worries are gone, there’s no more to sprout

Come join me in
This darkness wonder
It’ll make you feel good
It’s a blanket you’re safe under

It’s so much better with the lights turned out
It’s what I like and I have no doubt
That you’d like it too, if you’d give it a try
Forget all your worries, and in the darkness just lie

Forget all your worries

And in the darkness we’ll fly

You

This is for her and she’ll know it.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

When we speak of beauty
We speak of you
When we speak of treasure
We speak of you
When we think of a cutie
We think of you
And when we speak of pleasure
It is with you

You are my heartbeat
You are my soul
You are my desire, you are my goal

You’re the breath in every moment
You’re the smile on every face
You’re the will to survive
You’re the sentence in my case

You’re the happiness in my eyes
You’re the health in my living being
You’re the beauty I see in me
I can see what you are seeing

I can feel you when you’re gone
I can touch you on and on
I can sense your every emotion
You’re the music in my song

You’re my day and my darkest night
You are my standard time
You are what I know is right
You make any poem rhyme

You are a part of me
You are wherever I go
You’re in me and all around
But I still need to ask for more

More of you is all I need
More of you is all I plead
You are my crazy sinful greed
One that cannot end it’s feed

You’re the freedom of a dove
You’re everything others don’t do

And when we speak of eternal love…

To me, it’s only you.

Suheil Kapadia

Dog and Kitten.

The other night, after reaching home, I saw a dog chase a kitten. Quite natural, I mean that’s what they always do, and that’s maybe what they’re supposed to do. But then the dog caught the kitten, and started biting at its stomach. Ok, so he must be playing around or something, the kitten was squealing, but then only a bit. It didn’t have enough energy or maybe it’s vocal chords weren’t developed yet or something, but it expressed pain through it’s face.

The dog continued to bite into the stomach, and then lifted it up and brought it right in front of my gate. In front of me. It didn’t know I was standing there and looking though. It continued to bite and the kitten continued to struggle helplessly. It was slow, but continuous. The kitten stopped struggling… and the dog lay it down on the road. Dead.

A dog killed a kitten in front of me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t believe it. Dogs are man’s best friends. They are loyal and cute and smart. But that dog killed a kitten. It didn’t bleed. It just slowly died. And the dog lifted it in its mouth and crept away into the darkness.

I loved dogs. But I didn’t understand that night. I have been disturbed ever since. Dogs to me are like humans, because they share that one gift most other animals fail to possess… emotion.

Maybe if it was a rat or something I’d be fine. I normally don’t like cats, but that night, that helpless cat made me sore inside. 

Man is not the only one commiting crime.

Missing You

Haven’t written poetry in a long long time. Haven’t felt anything in a long long time.

MISSING YOU

 

It’s empty inside

And it feels real sore,

Life apparently

Has no meaning anymore.

 

There were two of me

One with you and without,

I loved my new self

Without the slightest doubt.

 

No sign of goodness

The whole world turned blue,

There is no distraction

When I’m missing you.

 

Sleep has no meaning

Words fail to convey,

What my heart desires

Is far far away.

 

Lonely rides are fun no more

The wind goes by and only in vain,

The empty rear seat behind me now

Only causes a whole lot of pain.

 

I’m as hopeless as can be

I’m a lonely pair-less shoe,

I’m a lock with no key

Because I need you.

 

I’m a tree without leaves

I’m a pen with no ink,

I’m a song without words

I’m useless, I can’t think.

 

There is no reason

To be happy and smile,

There is no color

It’s an unfair trial.

 

Because you’re gone

There’s not much to do,

 

There’s just one me now.

 

The one that misses you.

 

 

- Suheil Kapadia

 

Do I know you?

Ever had this feeling that you know somebody, but you really don’t? That you could pass a trivia and yet not be so sure about them? I do.

Apart from my office friends, I have my old friends from school and some random friends I met online. I keep in touch with these old and random friends through the internet. The random friends aren’t exactly… er… friends per se, but more of acquaintances. And I know them mostly through their blogs or facebook or orkut profiles and sometimes all three. I have seen all their photos they’ve put up (quite a few times in some cases) and know a handful of information about them, enough to say that I know things I would have otherwise learnt from them in person. And I sometimes get confused with these random friends and my old friends. I sometimes link the random friends with the old ones and then realise that I’ve never met those people ever when I really think I have.

And I know for a fact (atleast I think I do) that they know very little of me, or maybe even might have forgotten about me. But if I happen to stumble across any of them in the middle of the road, I’d recognise them, know who they are and go like “what’s up?” and they’d be like “who the hell are you?”.

I felt this way not so long back, when my brother and me went to have lunch at a popular joint in Nungambakkam. We were at the first floor of the building and we could see the people down across the street. It was a pretty happy day for us as we got to do a lot of bird watching there, like most ordinary boys, growing up. That place is a popular hang out for college people and their likes. I just wished I lived nearer.

So we’re having lunch and talking and looking here and there, and as I looked through the window across the street, I see two of my random online friends walking together. I blink, and I try squinting my eyes (even with my glasses on) to see for sure if it’s them, and it really was! I don’t really know how to express the feeling, but it was weird, more because I acted weird. I told my brother that they were my random friends whom I’ve never met but I know a lot about them. And he didn’t think of it as a big deal, naturally I guess. Many people know many people but haven’t met them. He said he knows who Miley Cyrus is and a lot of stuff about her too but if he saw her on the road, he’d probably just be excited and maybe take a photo or get an autograph or something, big deal. She’s just another person.

But I argued that she was a celebrity and that that may have been his only chance to see her in person… ever!

Big deal.

Ok, so not quite fascinating for my brother. But for me, it was like looking at two celebrities on the street there. People who I knew, their likes, dislikes, and a fact that they don’t know me. And I wanted to get up and tell everyone around there in that little eatery who they were and that I knew them and maybe even share a few things I knew about them… “This one likes this and that one likes that blah blah blah…” but that was making it all kiddish. Perhaps they wouldn’t be interested anyways.

But thinking about it, have I only made those random online friends, to know online? Like was it never intended to be that we met in person and became friends in the real sense? Is this what the internet is doing to us today? I mean it all sounds a bit silly you know, but you never really get to know a person like you get to know them in person. So you want to meet them, big deal. Send them an email or a wall scrap on facebook or a text message or something and meet up. But then you fear if they really remember you now, and even if they do, would they want to meet you, and what would they think about you and would they leave their perfectly normal happening lives for a while to meet some desperate guy trying to make friends out there? Hah.

Maybe if I was walking down that street that day across them, I’d probably go say hi and I’m sure I’d get a hi back and maybe try and make them remember who I am and stuff. It wouldn’t be so bad I’m sure. I sometimes feel this way about my old friends too. That it’s been so long that I’ve spoken to them or heard about them and only seen them in pictures with their new friends and read about them in blogs and all, that I start to know them as a new person now and that I know a bit or two about their new friends as well. And to meet them in person, again, would be like meeting somebody random, who I used to know, and now, have a vague idea of what their interests are or maybe not, coz they might have changed, so I don’t really know them anymore.

Another thing happened once, when I went for a movie with a friend and saw a girl, quite an attractive one at that, who used to work in my office. She used to sit in the opposite bay on the floor with a different department and we’ve seen each other on the floor, like acknowledging in our heads that the other person is someone who works here. And she was standing in front of me at the entrance of the cinema hall, waiting to give our tickets to the usher to get in, and our eyes met. And we stared at each other for a good 5 seconds or so, thinking “Where have I seen you before…”. I forgot who she was at that time but knew she looked amazingly familiar (and gorgeous) and I wondered if I should just say hi anyway (How you doin’ – Joey style was going on in my head). But then she looked away and walked in, and disappeared. And in the middle of the movie I realised who she was with a start, that scared my friend sitting next to me.

I should do a lot more of socialising. Call up a friend or two and hang out. But they all work random shifts and aren’t available when you are.

I find it really funny, this feeling I have about meeting people. Making new friends. I mean, it’s easy to make friends online, and easy to do in person too. But why do I find myself nervous when it comes to meeting someone in person? Especially someone whom you know somewhat and think, if it is really necessary, to say hi.

Big Deal?
 

All time High

For the first time, my poem has reached the no. 1 spot on the most read list on WTY! Woohoo!

Thank you… thank you very much.

Nothing else mattered

After logging in at work, late, again, and taking a few calls, Raj, my ‘acting’ manager (because my real one is in UK training for a different role) comes up to me and asks,

“How many CRPs have you made for the month macha?”

“Two” I say.

“Good, now make atleast one today and one tomorrow and ensure that they are clean sales.”

“What do you mean clean sales? I always make clean sales…”

“You made a missell on the first one you did…”

“No way!”

“Uhuh… the customer interrupted you and after the objection you forgot to read a line in the legal scripting.”

“Yeah I remember that call, but I’m sure I went back and read everything.”

“Well, apparently not, so you need to make another one today so that they can monitor that in place of the first one. I told them to put it on hold until you make another one, or else its a zero call.”

“Damn… I’m sure it wasn’t a missell, but I’ll make another one anyways.”

“Good luck.”

So I had 9 hours to make one insurance sale. Not easy when your skill sets aren’t on the selling products. I had to make another clean sale to get all of my incentives, or else I’d get only 50% with the missell. Plus this would be my second zero call in 4 months, and that’s not good when I have been scoring well over 85% on quality all this while. I wore my cape and mask and went up up and away to taking calls.

I pitched like I never did before, on each and every call, never let a single opportunity go by, whether the customer was happy or angry, I pitched. Nothing else mattered. 1 hour gone by, 3 pitches, no luck yet. One customer said that he worked for an insurance company so he already had the best deals, while another said that he thinks all these insurances are a scam to take people’s money without actually giving anything back.

2 hours gone, still no CRP, 5 pitches in total. Deepa, our sales coach comes to me and congratulates me for making those 2 sales on Sunday. She didn’t know about the missell and I didn’t bother telling her, so long as she doesn’t come back to question me for more sales again. It’s a difficult job, hers, to go after everyone, pushing for sales when nobody really likes doing it, and I very rarely gave her sales. I’m more customer oriented so after the service part of the call is over, I finish the call, while instead, we’re required to go into the selling mode and close on a sale if possible.

I’ve never liked selling. I had a tough time in my previous company and was only too glad to have left and joined this place. But that’s one thing that will always be there as long as you’re an agent in most places. You have to sell to stick around, and make an extra buck too. But that fire in me died a long time back. I can only make good conversation, can’t convince for nuts.

And in the end of the month, when these coaches come by telling us to push on every call, it gets real frustrating and uneasy, you’d just wish they’d go away, or that you could go away.

5 hours, still nothing.

“Good afternoon, you’re through to Suheil, how may I help you?”

“Uh, hi… I have a couple of queries on my account actually, I forgot my pin no. Is it possible for you to send me another one?”

“Sure…” Confirmed security details and issued a pin reminder.

“I’ve sent you a reminder pin, and you should receive it in about 4-5 working days. Anything else I could help you with?”

“Uh, yes actually… I was just looking through my statements… and I noticed, that I didn’t have this repayment protection…”

*wink wink*

Reprocess what I just heard… “I didn’t have this repayment protection… I DIDN’T HAVE THIS REPAYMENT PROTECTION…”

“Well, I can certainly add that for you!”

And so it was, that when I went in search of finding the right customer to sell the damned thing to, he comes in search of me. Coincidence? I’d like to think so.

I am thus saved. No more zero call. Full incentives. Catapulted self pride.

Deepa came and clapped for me. Mission accomplished. I quickly shot a mail to the quality team,

“Here’s another CRP for you… as clean as it can get.”

I have for the first time, felt like I achieved something in short notice. And it felt really good. Today was one day when I wanted to sell, to show them that I could do it.

And I did. Who cares if the customer asked for it!