I’m very “prim and proper” mum says. I want everything in order, things should be the way they’re supposed to be. And she finds that too boring. I need to loosen up a bit, lighten up, be crazy sometimes. But I can’t. I can’t see my things in the wrong places, or even if they are, they’re not set there correctly.
For instance, my table at work has pin ups of things I like – a poem, a certificate, a couple of pics of paintings, cartoons, my name and a few other process related thingys. And when someone sits at my table, and fidgets with these things by the pin with their fingers… my blood starts to boil just a little bit. They fidget… and they fidget… while they’re talking and laughing with me. I talk to them, laugh with them… but my eye now and again keeps looking at their fingers… those evil fingers… (get them off my board!@#$%^&!@#$%&^)
I get mad, when I come to work, only to find my name hanging loose on one pin, yelping for life and to be straightened again, or my poem slightly bent on the edges, or my receiver missing, my mouse changed, the monitor tilted, the keyboard lost underneath somewhere… am I sounding insane enough?
What is it with people? Why can’t they be careful of other people’s things?! We’re all adults in that office but they’re like kids!! They find something new on the floor, and everyone wants to touch it, feel it, talk about it, leave it lying about somewhere… and they forget that it’s not theirs.
Having said that, you should see my room at home. It’s like what a battlefield would look like, after the battle… with dead bodies and blood… uh… not really… but you get the picture. It’s a mess. But that’s MY room, I can keep it however I want and if I want something, I know where to find it amidst the mess.
Speaking of mess… how often do you feel “messed up” in your head? Little things irritate, and bigger things frustrate. Words are spoken and they’re not always polite. Emotions come into play and then relations get messed up.
I’ve seen a lot of that in the last few weeks and I’ve been through that myself. Life just wasn’t made to be perfect for anyone, and those we feel have perfect lives, don’t think like we do.They crave for being unperfect (imperfect actually, but this is MY blog!)
Sleep is just an activity on a checklist, waiting to be ticked, but you just don’t feel like it. It feels such a waste to spend 6-8 hours unconscious when we could do something productive. But the body has a mind of it’s own too you know. Before you know it, you’ve slept for 14 hours and can’t tell what time of the day and what date it is.
We’re all becoming robots. Or atleast that’s what is expected of us to become. Everything has to be done perfectly. You can’t screw up. If you do, you need to be shown the door, given the pink slip, slap on the face, and more popularly, a shoe thrown at.
We’re all running this invisible race against time to be the best, to reach for the stars, to make something and show the world that we can survive.
But that’s different from showing that we can live.
We do not “live” anymore. Life’s meaning has changed. It’s all about the money baby.
And amidst all this chaos and madness, the one solace you seek for, in the form of someone, is not found too. It all comes at a price. I’ve been looking for meaning somewhere, of a reason, that everything will be alright and this is just a parallel universe we walk into everyday for 9 hours or more. That one ray of hope, of assurance, of positivity, of thought, compassion and care, is something I’ve been longing for.
I wouldn’t say my mum hasn’t done her bit in cheering me up, but I guess I’m looking for hope from someone else. Someone from the outside who can sense what I feel and would give me a hug and say “it’s ok… everything’s gonna be just fine… it was just a dream…”. I love you mom. You’ve given me strength too.
But you can’t always get what you want. That’s not the rule of the world. You can’t ask for things you expect to get. You never get things you expect to get. That’s when you’re slapped hard in the face by someone trying to shake you up… wake you up… like you were being taken out of the matrix and shown that the world really IS what you see with your eyes everyday.
But that someone will now give you the courage to stand on your feet and move on. “It’s ok to be afraid… it’s ok to expect things… but it’s not ok to do nothing and give up…”
Like what was said on Roadies… we may be part of a team, but we’re all alone.
And like I’ve always said… I can’t do this all on my own. I’m beginning to love scrubs.
Thank God for TV. That’s a world I’d like to be in. Seriously. Anyone read till here?! Thank you… thank you very much.
