That Night

The sky looked so beautiful that night
A thousand stars were the only light
Like holes in the floor of heaven above
And with enough reason, I was in love

On a black silk carpet, were diamond knots
The universe approves of polka dots
The moon was full and shiny bright
For some good reason, there was love that night

Happiness and peace is what night finds
And I reminisced of some good old times
When love had no condition
And life was simpler too
Today those old philosophies
Are perceived as something new

Yet the night was dark
A memory from the past
But the light made me forget
And be happy at last

That the gloomiest day, can give way
To the clearest night, so bright

That’s what I learnt, in a divine way
From the love there was that night

Darkness Wonder

It’s so much better with the lights turned out
Everything’s hidden and there’s nothing about
Thoughts get lost in the thick black dark
Worries are gone, there’s no more to sprout

Come join me in
This darkness wonder
It’ll make you feel good
It’s a blanket you’re safe under

It’s so much better with the lights turned out
It’s what I like and I have no doubt
That you’d like it too, if you’d give it a try
Forget all your worries, and in the darkness just lie

Forget all your worries

And in the darkness we’ll fly

s m i l e

She gave me hers, and I gave her mine

I’d die another day

20 minutes to go before I need to log in. Taken my keys, my gym bag, helmet, everything… ready to go to work. It normally takes about 15 minutes to reach max, and I didn’t want to be late… again.

Dusted my bike in a hurry, taking off a layer of dust that gets settled over night. It’s a dusty street, so maintaining that blackness on the body of the bike is a difficult task everyday.

Got on, wore my helmet, the jaw part “open” and I started the ignition. Roared the engine a couple of times… and then took off. At the end of the street another guy on a bike comes right at me… not moving to the side, and I speed up.

I’m male, I’m on a pulsar… and I have ego. I close my helmet shut and race towards this deluded stranger on the bike.  He doesn’t budge from the way, and I won’t give in and budge either.

We come so close that one of us has to move. I can’t coz I’m in my lane and I have no where to turn, so I hit the brakes hard, while he turns at the last moment and zips past me.

There’s sand on the ground in front of the construction site where I braked… and I skid. Skid as though I was on ice. Fell hard on the ground and my bike fell over me… still skidding.

There was an iron holding on the side of the building, upon which they load the cement mixer… and my head went straight bang into it. I could see the edge of the side coming nearer and nearer and there was nothing I could do. I hoped my helmet saved me.

It did. And then there was silence. The skidding stopped, the stars around my head stopped… and my bike was lying on the ground whirring away with the gears going haywire.

There I was, lying on the ground, not knowing what happened in that fraction of a second, when I was on the bike, doing 35-40 kmph and then I was down flat, not knowing if I was alive, or dead.

They say eye sight is the last to go when you die, and I thought that was it for me. But I could then hear the voices in my head, thinking if I was alright… if I was in one piece… thinking… if I was alive.

I was… and it took me a good 5 minutes to realise that I was ok. I lay on the ground for 5 more minutes, just to recover from the momentum of happenings and slow things down.

People came rushing to me and picked my bike and put it on the side and they tried lifting me too, but I hesitated. I didn’t want any help to get up because this was a mistake I’d made and I must learn to get up and walk from my own accidents.

I managed to get to my feet and took off my helmet. I was sweating profusely. A lady brought me some water, but I didn’t feel like drinking. And over the pitter patter of their voices, them commenting on how fast I was going, and that I had a helmet, and me being young and carefree… I was glad I made it. I was glad I was able to get up on my feet, on my own.

I’ve never felt so alive ever in my life. This is the second major accident I’ve had on this bike, but this time, I escaped the inevitable. If it weren’t for my helmet, I’d perhaps not be here to write this. My helmet’s pretty badly bruised on the side and so is my bike. The gear pedal is twisted in the shape of a U but otherwise, there are only scratches everywhere.

I looked at myself top to bottom to see if there was any blood anywhere. Nothing. My hand was scratched though… right from the shoulder till a little above the wrist. It’s weird how that place got scratched. I was wearing my favourite t-shirt and I would have gone mad had there been a tear anywhere. But there wasn’t.

So I was pretty much ok with me being in one piece and my clothes a little soiled, but not torn. I made a call to my manager and told him I’d be a little late. Got on my bike and tried to get the gears untangled, but I couldn’t. My leg suddenly started to hurt real bad from the knee. And from then, I haven’t been able to lift my leg. So I just held the clutch and dragged the bike down the street back home to my building and shouted for Murtuza to come help me put the stand on, coz I couldn’t do that either. I was scared that I couldn’t feel anything but pain in my knee, and having experienced what it’s like to be without one leg, I didn’t want this to get serious. Life is just terrible. You can’t sit, and walk, and when you’re able to do one of them, you can’t do the other without going through a generous amount of pain. Of all the times I’ve hurt myself, my left knee was injured the most, and I didn’t want it to become numb and get it amputated. I kinda like my left leg.

Murtuza was in a state of shock, not surprising. And that look on his face, and his tone, and his anger cum worrying that gets through to his person from within… is something I felt so sorry for letting out. There’s nothing like seeing a loved one get hurt, especially your own brother. And more than my leg, it was the expression on his face that scared me. The effect that human emotion has… is far more powerful that any physical affliction in the world.

So I tried to calm him down until he was breathing normally and assured that I was in one piece. We went to the hospital and I got an X-Ray done for my leg. No fracture. Dammit.

But the pain never left. It became worse by the end of the day. So much so that any thoughts of going to the bathroom had to be curbed, because that would just be impossible to do. It takes me a lot of courage to stand after sitting, and even more to sit again, and I just can’t imagine trying that on an Indian toilet.

So limping about, I spent four days at home (yes, I did manage to go to the loo though) giving my leg enough rest and cursing myself for scratching my bike again. What a waste of days. Two of them were work days and the other two was the weekend.

I’ve never been more grateful to be alive. To see, and feel, and breathe, and talk, and hear, and move and think. Everyone I was ever close to in my life, their faces flashed up in front of me over these days and I thought to myself, that this is not the way to have gone. Accidents are man made and cannot be a cause of death because they hinder the true path of one’s destiny. Now an accident being in one’s destiny is something I don’t agree to, sue me, I don’t care. I don’t even know if I believe in destiny, but I believe that each of us has the capacity to live to the fullest… until our last aged breath unless “man” intervenes and spoils the show.

I’ve learned patience, of course, to forgive on the road and not to be hasty, or rash… or even carefree. I’ve learned to be careful for myself on the roads, coz if you don’t, you get hit either for caring too much, or caring too little.

I’ve learned courage. To stand up, even when it hurts the most. Only then I learned pain. And that to get a better view from the top, you have to endure pain and struggle.

I’ve learned sympathy, for others alike, who have been hurt, mentally and physically. Life just comes to a standstill when your mind and body aren’t one.

And finally, I’ve learned love… is what we all need. It heals wounds and aches visible, and otherwise, much faster than medicine.

Please drive safe, and always wear a helmet on a bike. It saved my life.

Unwell

Bored, tired and beat, my weekend sucked. Which is not quite uncommon for most of my weekends, although this time… a cold was added to it. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I hate colds and get sick real bad (at least for a whole day) when I get one.

My head felt like the veins in them were under pressure and needed to burst, my throat felt like a damp squib of hair was caught in it, and my eyes were somehow, being sucked into my face and my body… well… was as good as dead.

The whole of yesterday felt that way. I so badly wanted to be out of that and feel healthy and normal again, and walk about, sweat, drink cold water (well… ANYTHING cold actually), shout, sing, talk, and basically just… to move.

A common cold. A common cold was enough to bring me down. Shame. My kryptonite.

Well I’m all up and about again, not fully recovered though, still coughing about here and there. But the sun is shining down on me and my powers will be restored soon.

Manic Monday again tomorrow. Here I come.

You

This is for her and she’ll know it.
Happy Valentine’s Day.

When we speak of beauty
We speak of you
When we speak of treasure
We speak of you
When we think of a cutie
We think of you
And when we speak of pleasure
It is with you

You are my heartbeat
You are my soul
You are my desire, you are my goal

You’re the breath in every moment
You’re the smile on every face
You’re the will to survive
You’re the sentence in my case

You’re the happiness in my eyes
You’re the health in my living being
You’re the beauty I see in me
I can see what you are seeing

I can feel you when you’re gone
I can touch you on and on
I can sense your every emotion
You’re the music in my song

You’re my day and my darkest night
You are my standard time
You are what I know is right
You make any poem rhyme

You are a part of me
You are wherever I go
You’re in me and all around
But I still need to ask for more

More of you is all I need
More of you is all I plead
You are my crazy sinful greed
One that cannot end it’s feed

You’re the freedom of a dove
You’re everything others don’t do

And when we speak of eternal love…

To me, it’s only you.

Suheil Kapadia

A song for everything

It’s amazing how there’s always a song that matches every feeling. I guess songwriters are the most sensitive people on the planet. Here’s the lyrics of one song I really really feel like it’s my own.

Baby wont you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes
I don’t wanna say goodbye to you
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

You’re the one who set it up
Now you’re the one to make it stop
I’m the one who’s feeling lost right now
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said
But there is something left in my head 

I won’t forget the way you’re kissing
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long
But I’m not the man your heart is missing
That’s why you go away I know

You were never satisfied no matter how I tried
Now you wanna say goodbye to me
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget
But there is something left in my head

Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere
Don’t know which way to go
There is so much to say now between us
There ain’t so much for you
There ain’t so much for me anymore

MLTR is one underrated band I feel.

In other news… I have finally finished Shantaram! What seemed like an endless journey… has finally ended! Phew!

I’m reading a smaller book next.

The Tequila Night

I’m beginning to hate weekends. None of my friends are free and all the hang out places are crowded and that leaves one very sad boy me.

That’s the problem about working for a BPO. Your offs just dont match with your friends. So it’s very rare that you can get to plan something to do together, unless you want to before or after work… again depending on your shift.

So like most weekends, this one was really boring too. However, random revelation moment… Murtuza (my bro) has become so mature and so grown up… it’s really hard to believe. He speaks of things and emotions way beyond his teenage years. He’s also sometimes a typical teenager… which can get a bit annoying. But I’ll cut him some slack… I’m still not over being a teen too.

I had two tequila shots today. And I’m still sober. Not bad for a first timer don’t you think? I mean, I’m still going through the learning curve of the liquor cuisine… I’ve tried beer (which I hate)… red wine (not too fond of it but like it the best so far)… white wine (yuck!)… breezers (yea yea… I know what you think of them… but they’re just yum!)… vodka (bleh… it only smells… no taste) and finally today… tequila (Don’t remember much of the taste coz I gulped it down after licking some salt and then sucking on lime after the gulp).

I’m still waiting to find the drink that I can say is mine. Also waiting for someone(s) to take me pubbing too. I’m all for it. I want to get out there and make new friends and have some fun now. Please invite me for pity’s sake. Pretty please.

So I’ll go on to read Shantaram now… that I’ve been reading for over a year… in breaks… and finally… I’m on the last chapter! Don’t ask me what happened and all before it coz I can vaguely remember. But a very interesting book… I must say. Well worth a read if you have the time. I’m just dying to finish it once and for all and move on to the next book I bought along with it… yes… a year back… that I thought I’d read once I was done with Shantaram.

Tomorrow… a new week… a new month… and loads of work to be done at office. I’m so glad the weekend’s over. Can’t wait for the next one… or maybe I can actually.

Dial P for Power

“Power” is such an underrated word sometimes. I recently learned about myself that I get intimidated with anyone “powerful”.  Not just strength-wise but social position-wise, designation-wise and more often intellectual-wise.

I was called into the cabin of our Unit Head the other day at work to discuss some process related thing, and this chap… well… he’s 6 ft 5 or something, just sits there reclining in his chair and talks about major business decisions and process related things… and I’m sitting at the edge of my seat, shoulders bent, just cowering in front of him.  I was scared of him. He’s a big shot man… he has the power to throw me out anytime he wants, he can review my performance, play around with my remuneration package, ask me anything he wants and crack any joke he likes… and I like a loser take everything he gives. I just got this feeling of “stage fright” being in front of him.

I never thought someone could have such an influence on me. He’s probably drawing a salary every month equivalent to what I can earn in 2 years, but was it really the money aspect that got me intimidated? Or was it his status, his position… or his extraordinary height?

I think being tall just adds to the effect. It exhibits supremacy, greatness, and attitude. People tend to show a little more respect if you can see over their heads.

Some people have inner power that can control even the most difficult of circumstances. They are so strong, that nothing can shake them. They believe in themselves. They are the best. Nothing’s gonna take them down, be it tragedy, or comedy.

And after seeing the different forms of power in so many different people, I was searching for some power within me. And today, with strings unattached, mentally free, finally of the big question mark that was crowding my head the past few weeks, I felt the power.

The power of being me again. To use humour as a self defence mechanism, that hides everything inside and confuses the opponent to a dizzying phase. I was me again. I was whatever I wanted to be. I was suddenly, carefree, loony, goofy, cheery and just vintage Suheil again.

When you can be yourself completely, doing what you want, when you want, how you want, with nothing to stop you, in your work or your thoughts, then that’s what I call real power. The power to influence.

I believe in beng a good influence. One of my juniors in school started a chat conversation with me on facebook, not so long ago, and he said that this year he was being made house captain, like I was. He was about 4 or 5 years my junior, and he said that he wanted to be like me. I was apparently, the best captain of Neptune House ever.

I honestly don’t mind bragging about it because hey, those were probably the best days of my life and I took my job as captain really seriously. The house wasn’t all that great and needed a lifting of it’s spirit, and I can safely say that I managed to do a bit of it.

So, being first of all remembered by someone is such an honour, and for a reason like that… I was flying high on cloud no. 9

With great power, comes great responsibilty. Let’s hope I can maintain it always.

Iqbal

Many of you may have already seen it, but those of you who haven’t, please do. An amazing story of courage and determination. We’ve heard lots of them, but this one, I guarantee, will touch you.

Brilliant performances, especially by Naseeruddin Shah and the little girl Swetha Prasad. Nagesh Kukunoor is a brilliant film maker. This was a good break from the regular masala crap all of us are so used to.

I feel like playing cricket now… and I want to bowl. I’m half deaf and blind anyways.